Mind of The First
by Aren serathy
Summary: Journal entries (Somewhat interconnected Achronological oneshots) written in First person from Artyom's (and possibly other's) perspective before the tower in my story "Metro The first" It's not required to read this is merely Artyom experiencing doubt preluding the enlightened ending of Metro-2033
1. Chapter 1-Trolly combat

_**Set Directly after Trolley Combat, right before Depot**_

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And they call this a plan?! The tunnel rats would be already dining on our bones if we didn't get insanely lucky. There were just two parts in Uhlman's plan: insanity and surprise. Nobody among the Nazis expected us to capture their railcar, neither did they expect a lightning backstabbing strike. I should feel no remorse - the times of courteous warfare is long passed. If you have to backstab to survive, the people here in the Metro do so without blinking an eye, and then strike once more. The important thing is to keep your own back covered.

The soldiers on the Frontline, bolth Nazi's and Red's alike, I couldn't bring myself to kill them. No I wouldn't kill them. Argh why is it so hard to do something as simple as pulling a trigger, swing a knife. I do all the time to the Nosalis, the Watchmen why is this so different. I never illusion myself to think that they would ever have the thoughts I am having right now, they would end my life without a second thought, probably loot, and piss on my corpse, then drink to their good fortune.

The fresh conscript on the carriage I had stowed away on, "Altar boy" his comrades had called him; would he be doing what I am now, questioning himself when his life hung in the ballance?

It's supposed to be simple, one bullet is one life right? I thought those exact words when I had killed the bandits near the market, they had taken innocent lives without remorse and I had brought their actions full circle.

But the men on the frontline, it was different. It gets so much harder after you just _listen to them_. How many would have surrendered? How many more had families praying that daddy comes come? Did they take up a gun in the name of hunger, to do what they thought would protect their loved ones?

The people in the trolley station where more than willing, more than able to take my life. I did what I had to survive. So why am I doubting, neigh morning that I had to kill them?

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 _ **Hey * ducks gunshots * So um yeah no new chapter to "Metro the first" but I made this. It always bugged me when doing enlighted runs, that dispite all the efforts of the darkones showing "WE WANT PEACE, LOOK AT THE CHILDREN YOU B*STARDS!" Artyom's diarry is still "Yeah gonna kill them be a hero" So I decided to cobble these little entries togeather for when MTF hits major writers block, and suprisingly they are EASY to crank out. NOTE: these won't be in cronological order but they will be more common then MTF so please bair with me people I'll try to get the next chapter out.**_


	2. Chapter 2-A Rangers life

Takes place at the beginning of trolly combat

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I should be grateful. When I woke up before my captures I had lost all hope. My nazi captures had no plans of letting me live. "If you beg we might think of killing you quickly." Now I see them lying on the floor dead, and I'm still alive. But as we walk through the ruins of the base I find my self doubting the righteousness of my saviors. They may have saved my life, but all these soldiers dead in the base? They had no idea what was going on until it was too late. I remember what father said back home.

"A rangers life is different from ours, they are reckless even violent by nature."

He was right, these people, Rangers, Reich, Reds. They all end life so easily, yet I find my self unwilling to kill those who would end me without hesitation. Have I made a mistake in this journey, were all the lives lost too this point worth it? No matter it's too late for second thoughts, to turn back now would make their deaths in vain. I question however, is it really worth fighting monsters, if in the end we become them?


End file.
